Whether you’re a “seasoned” spouse or a significant other, loving a submariner is a very special bond that is not for the weak.
As a girlfriend or boyfriend, you likely have a challenging experience. You may not be allowed to participate in your sailor’s Family Readiness Group (FRG); you might not be listed on their ombudsman contact sheet; you do not have a military ID and cannot access base; and you might not feel like you belong.
All that to be said, even spouses started as girlfriends and boyfriends. And we have all been in your shoes at one time or another. So we asked fellow spouses what they wish they knew before they married their sailors.
Here’s what they had to say:
- You’ll always come second to the military. Not by choice but because of what the lifestyle entails. Learn to be independent and flexible and take everything with grace. It hurts the service member as much as the SO when plans are canceled or altered last minute over and over again. You’ll learn to cherish the time you do have together and it makes it that much more special.
- Make sure to have “the conversation” an honest conversation if both are committed to communicating, long distance, and missed events.
- Be ready to tackle this life together and understand that your career/education plans may have to take the back burner for your sailor. Resentment is real but once it takes over then it can be really hard on the relationship so that’s when the communication, trust and shared expectations come into play.
- Make sure you have your OWN identity cause this life can be lonely but focusing on your job, career, hobbies, and friendships is what keeps you grounded and able to push through when comms goes dark
- He’s not ghosting you, he just has dinq study 😂
- Travel to see them at foreign ports, especially before kids!
- Create a life that does not revolve around them. If they can make it on that cool trip you’re planning? Great! If they can’t, go anyway and come back with great stories to share. Don’t skip holidays unless you want to. Don’t feel pressured to make up for lost time (you can’t). It’s okay to grow and change. And it’s okay for them to grow and change. Communicate when you can and DON’T try to ply anyone else for information you can’t have because you are not yet legal partners.
- Don’t take things personally, is my biggest advice. They have some stressful days especially before being qualified. Just be there for them.
- If you’re able to, do as much as you can with the FRG. Military spouses (sub spouses in particular) are some of the best people I have ever met!
- Build your own routine and let your sailor incorporate themselves into it!
- The more stability you have the more sanity you have especially on depolyments!
- To journal! I would write out all of dates/favorite and hard moments we went through etc. It helped me to feel like he was still with me and gave me something to look forward to. Then on the next underway I would give him that journal to read and write in his perspective and start a new one and we would just keep switching journals each underway. So that when he got back I had something to read for the next underway of his perspective of all the moments in our lives!
- I was established in who I was when we met. Having my own career in nursing was a good match for a submariner. It was easy for me to move from duty station to duty station without losing anything in my career. I had flexibility to do different types of nursing when he was deployed. I found some amazing spouses during my first deployment (his 3rd) that are still my friends. I have more friends that I made outside military life while working at each duty station. As we come into the home stretch (20 yrs next year) I have no major regrets.
- They can’t take their phone to work them more often than not. It’s not easy being a submariner’s partner but it’s so worth it for the right person. Buckle up and enjoy the ride. ❤️
- Open communication, trust and always have the hard talks prior to marriage or getting super serious.
- Don’t rush to marriage just so you can be together.
- Comms are limited. Don’t expect an email every day or week for that matter. Find your tribe. Stay busy.
- Don’t take shore duty for granted. Enjoy the time you have whole they are home all the time!
- Your Love Story is uniquely YOURS! Yes you will have some similarities to others but no two relationships are the same.
- You’re just as important even if you’re a girlfriend. I remember before we got married, wives would not include the girlfriends. It made me not want to be apart of any of this all, but remember even if the Navy doesn’t recognize you, your boyfriend does.
- In all seriousness the spouses aren’t as scary as they seem😭 I was told that the wives were mean and judgy and scary people and they’re literally my best friends.
- We dated for years before he became a sailor and we’ve been married 13 (this year)and he’s been in 14.5 years. TRUST and communication. Military life is not at all like they betray it in movies and tv… it’s hard work with communication down a lot of the time (oh ships/boats). Be mindful of that and know that chances are they wrote to you, you may not get it for awhile.
- Stay positive. Or as positive as you can. Tell them about your feelings but don’t make it so they can’t do their job. If it’s that serious, make it known to this who are currently able to help. As others have said, have the hard talks before marriage if that’s the way you’re headed.
- Have your goals and keep them, chasing your sailor around so fun but for some that might not be fulfilling; and that’s ok. Stay busy. Fill your time with stuff you truly love and want to do. Don’t just wish time to go faster (deployment) although I know we all do… have fun! Find your people and truly lean in.
- He’s not weird, he’s just a nuke 😂
- Don’t jump to having babies. Spend some time traveling together.
- No news is good news. We also say “long days, short months.”
- Remember you have to have trust in eachother and always keep open communication.
- When I met my husband he made it clear this life is hard. And life as a spouse or partner of a submariner is not for the weak.
- 🫶🏽 7 years strong with my husband but our life has been so beautiful 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
- You have to be strong when they are gone and know how to handle being apart because when they say will not be able to communicate with you they mean it.
- You still matter even if the navy doesn’t agree (I was a gf of over two years and did a deployment and the navy couldn’t care about my existence).
- If they love their job it’s ok. They don’t love you less. I used to struggle with him loving a job that meant he was leaving but it’s ok. You want a satisfied person, who is happy at their job.
- Trying to make friends as a girlfriend with spouses felt harder because you kind of always felt a bit “temporary” even if you knew you weren’t.
- Outsiders will constantly ask questions about their job and you truly have no idea what they do half the time 😂
- If you don’t get an email during a deployment or underway, they aren’t dead, they might just be out of comms or haven’t surfaced. They don’t hate you 😂
For more resources, be sure to check out these blog posts: