Towards the end of every deployment, loved ones at home will hear the dreaded word: reintegration.
Some spouses will say it’s no big deal, while others will proclaim it as worse than the deployment itself (more thoughts, here). Some spouses laugh and say their sailor rejoins their family effortlessly, while others stress their marriages will be in jeopardy.
Well, I think most of us land somewhere in the middle.
The facts? Spending seven months away from your loved one is not easy. And no matter how much preparation you do, coming back together isn’t easy, either. Reintegration is not a walk in the park. The phase even earns its own spot on the “Emotional Cycle of Deployment.”
My family recently went through reintegration (and continue to) for the first time in a few years. Here are some fresh tips on my mind:
It’s OK if Homecoming isn’t perfect
If you’re anything like me, you may have spent the entire deployment fantasizing about Homecoming. You might even have a particular song synced in your head to the moment you jump into your sailor’s arms. While Homecoming is such a special, happy, exciting day, I’m here to tell you it might not resemble a music video. Your sailor might be last off the boat, the boat might be delayed a few hours, it might be 100 degrees with 80% humidity. Your sailor will be tired and he or she might be completely overwhelmed.
I bring up Homecoming because that is the moment reintegration begins, and as spouses I know we put so much pressure on ourselves. Do not read too much into it.
I’ll always remember our first Homecoming my husband was very quiet. He was so happy but he did not have much to say. There was a part of me that was nervous, holding his hand walking to our car in complete silence and not sure what going home would look like. A few hours later (and a cat nap on the couch) he came to life and was acting more like himself. Your sailor might need a few hours or even a few days. And that’s OK. Which leads me to…
The readjustment period is slow (and it should be)
As happy as you are to have your significant other back, you have grown accustomed to doing things alone. Perhaps you even reveled at your freedom, choosing what Netflix show to watch or simple girl dinners to eat. If you have children, perhaps you and the kids established new routines, with you at the helm of all decision making and disciplining. You have lived almost an entire year doing your thing and doing it alone. And your spouse has no clue.
For my husband’s last deployment, our baby girl went from a sweet cooing newborn to a walking, babbling little toddler. I did not throw him into the trenches of bed or bath time routines. I did not expect him to know her wake windows or what feeding schedule she was on. Our oldest son with special needs made progress with his therapies, with a whole new set of daily habits and practices to implement. Again, my husband has no clue.
You both need to ease into it. Have your spouse take a back seat and observe for the first few weeks. Let him see how things are done and slowly find ways to include himself.
Communication is EVERYTHING
No matter what reintegration looks like for you and your servicemember, just remember to communicate. You cannot read each other’s minds and the more honest you can be with each other the better. Because you’ve spent so many months apart, it might take a few months to feel like you’re on the same page. Both parties need to be patient and give each other grace.
For example, because my husband had been gone so long he was asking a lot of questions. “Why is this here?” or “When was the last time X was done?” or “How often are you doing X?” At times I felt like he was criticizing me, so I would become defensive. From his perspective, he was simply asking the question because he didn’t know.
Likewise, as my husband settled into life at home with our kids, he would get overstimulated and we would laugh together about the chaos. I would say things like “See? Welcome to my world” or “See? Now imagine doing this for 7 months by yourself.” From my perspective, I was just so happy that he could see how hard this has been. But it was actually making him feel worse. I didn’t realize this until he said something.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Reintegration may last for awhile
I think the sneakiest part about reintegration is there’s no specific timeline. You may feel like things are going well and then all of a sudden it strikes again. You might fight over silly things, you might fight over serious things. Don’t have expectations and take things day by day. Don’t compare yourself to others. Every sailor is different.
Stay in touch with your Ombudsman or any fellow spouse friends you made from the boat. If you want to speak to a professional, there are many counseling services available including Military and Family Life Counseling, Fleet and Family Support Centers and Remote Clinical Counseling.
What reintegration advice would you give? Leave us a comment! For more deployment resources, click here.