There are so many wonderful things about the submarine community. One thing I cherish most is meeting a diverse group of people living this same life. We all have one thing in common- we love a submariner. We are fortunate to meet amazing spouses who give great advice. The mentorship I have received from other spouses has had such a positive impact on my life.
I read a post the other day from a spouse who’s submariner was leaving on their first deployment and she needed some advice. Without hesitation, informative and sincere comments rolled in. I decided to start a thread asking spouses one thing they wish someone told them/ they knew before their submariner left on their first deployment or patrol. The comments were fantastic. I really wish I had done that before my spouse left for the first time.
Here is what they said:
- Keep busy.
- Try new things.
- Ensure you have specific Power of Attorneys and they are all current. Go to the base legal department and verify your POAs are sufficient.
- Have multiple back ups for childcare.
- If you have kids, find a friend who doesn’t have kids (but loves kids) and invite them over once a week so you will have someone to cook for who will actually eat what you make.
- Do not expect phone calls or emails. That way if it doesn’t happen, you aren’t disappointed.
- You are allowed to make plans and memories without your spouse.
- Give yourself grace.
- Start a new book, TV show, or devotional.
- Start each day with a positive song or message.
- Take notes of silly things your kid or animals do or say.
- Be patient.
- Pick one day a month to spoil yourself.
- Plan a fun activity halfway through that you/your kids/ your pets can look forward to.
- Write cards, letters, and send surprises with your spouse to open underway.
- Set goals that you wouldn’t normally do if your spouse was around.
- Make little care packages to send with them- not just the halfway box.
- Be kind to yourself.
- Homecoming is wonderful but there may be an adjustment period afterwards.
- Give your spouse some time to rest and adjust to being home when the boat returns.
- If you get family grams, don’t bother with full sentences.
- Focus on things you can enjoy or do a little more of while they are not around (i.e. binge romantic comedies).
- Have something to look forward to while they are gone.
- If your submariner is trying to get qualified, they are very busy on deployment so they may not have time to write back.
- Keep busy and the time will fly by.
- Have a major list of things you want to do or accomplish before they get back (i.e. reorganizing the closets/ gardening).
- Cook your way through a cookbook.
- Explore the duty station you live in- don’t be afraid to get out and do fun, new things.
- You can miss your spouse without being sad all the time.
- Avoid giving last minute gifts at the pier.
- Find your people- the ones who will support you, love you, and carry you when needed.
- Don’t pressure yourself to match your feelings to how you see others coping.
- Write “open when” cards and letters & put a heart on your calendar on the day they are supposed to open it. Even if you can’t be with them, you know they’re getting a special “date” from you.
- Make sure you know where the water/gas shut off valve is in your home.
- Make friends and ask questions. Those special bonds you make with friends during a deployment and beyond last a lifetime.
- Schedule specific things in the first few weeks that force you to leave the house.
- Plan meals that you normally don’t prepare because your spouse doesn’t like them.
- If you have kids, have your spouse video record themselves reading books or singing songs to show them later. Make it part of the bedtime routine.
- Do recordable story books from Hallmark.
- Be prepared to receive one line emails.
- Date your emails because they can be received out of order.
- Even if you aren’t receiving responses to your emails, keep sending them. They may have just enough time to read them but no time to respond.
- Send personal hygiene wipes for when there are no showers.
- Make sure you know all the passwords for online banking, credit cards, etc.
Anything you would like to add? I would like to thank all the sub spouses who offered this advice. For more deployment resources, check out our ultimate pre-deployment check-list, how to prepare your children, self help tips and more.